(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Pretty depressing, isn't it? (SIGHS)
You talking to me?
Oh, actually, I was just talking to myself,
but you look like you're in the same boat.
What boat? What are you talking about?
I'm just sitting here at my table alone,
trying to enjoy a cup of coffee.
Look at them.
Laughing, enjoying themselves, having a good time...
I hate them!
Who? Them.
The popular.
(LAUGHS) I'm popular.
Hey, man, why don't you come and, you know, sit with me?
No. Why don't you come sit with me?
Nah.
Then there it is, then.
Yeah, there it is.
MAN ON P.A.: Attention. The Pennbrook Harvest Mixer
is about to start on the second floor.
And remember, only those with invitations may attend.
Well, looks like it's just you and me, huh?
Now it's just you.
Good morning.
Say, is that one of those delicious cups of coffee from Brew Lagoon,
conveniently located in the Pennbrook Student Union?
(LAUGHS) Why are you talking like that?
I'm not.
Rachel, why don't you scrape the garbage into the garbage disposal?
I'd just rather do it this way, okay?
Okay.
Have a good morning, and in case I don't see you,
good evening, good afternoon, and good night!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, what's all the excitement?
Oh, 11:00 man. She's back from the gym, little sweaty, very sexy.
Drives me crazy, dude! And then, the shower. Yes!
Wait a minute. What are you talking about?
Her, man!
The one in the background, man, behind the unpopular guy doing the puppet show.
Hey!
Oh, come on, get out of the way, cuckoo's nest!
LOUIE: You're blocking the goddess!
(EVERYONE PROTESTING)
You sure that's three cheeses? 'Cause I only see two.
Where's the Gouda, pal?
That's right. That's better.
There's a lot riding on these here eggs.
Hey, hey, I made Feeny a happy face waffle.
Huh? The blueberries are the eyes.
Oh, this is so gonna work.
But I am concerned this is a tad morally wrong.
Oh, please. Cory, all we're doing
is treating the man who has been the driving force in our lives to a brunch.
And if he happens to go a little easier on us in class,
so be it.
Okay. Here you go, Mr. Feeny.
Ooh, a happy face waffle.
And a three-cheese omelet
fit for the best educator in America.
That's one, two, and Gouda makes three.
I like Gouda.
I knew that.
But brunch really wasn't necessary.
Oh, it's nothing. It's our way of saying thanks.
We're just glad we could sneak away
from all our studies to do it.
Been burning the midnight oil, have you?
(CHUCKLES) They are killing us, Feeny.
I mean, that Professor Williams is a sadist.
Well, there's always one tough class.
If only. They're all ridiculous.
Scone? Oh, no. Please,
I really have quite enough food.
Oh, are you kidding me? Look at you.
You're ripped. You're cut.
Jelly?
Boys, far be it from me
to look a happy-faced waffle
in its happy-faced little mouth,
but what's the deal?
Deal? Ouch.
Your words hurt like fists.
I mean, we really took you out as an appreciation
of how much you've taught us thus far.
And we know that you've got a vested interest in us
and want to see us do well.
Oh, I do, I do.
And we want you to know we'll try very hard in your class.
Even though we've got so much work in all our other classes.
(LAUGHS) I mean, they're killing us, Feeny.
It's like we can't breathe.
But we do not want any special treatment or consideration...
And we don't want you to think of this brunch as a bribe.
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)
You want an extension on your midterm papers?
We'll give you 100 bucks cash right now.
Boys, we've known each other for years.
We have a long history together.
You don't have to go through all this.
If you need some help, just ask.
We just need a few days.
Four. Three.
Two.
All right two.
Now that's how you make a deal.
More bubbly? (LAUGHS)
And that's how you eat soup.
If it's hot, I've found you can blow on it. Let's try it.
Why?
(GROANS IN PAIN)
How long have you been filming us?
It's not film. It's live.
It's spontaneous. It's unrehearsed.
Absolutely anything can happen. Even this! (GIGGLES)
Told you they were gay.
Why would you do this?
You wanna know?
I was afraid, okay?
I'm afraid to just be another face in the college crowd.
I just want people to know me.
Maybe if they do, then they'd come over
and they'd sit with me in the morning and just drink a cup of coffee.
You did this to have friends?
Yeah, that's right. I did this to be popular.
How does he have a show and I don't?
Hey, what's all the yelling about?
There she is!
(ALL CHEERING)
Congratulations. You're on TV.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Who else is watching this?
There's a big crowd watching at the student union.
You know, it's almost worth the 23 hours of crap just to get to this.
(ALL AGREEING)
No, man. They're watching me.
They're watching her, not you. Her.
Oh, why would they be watching her? That's crazy.
She's not even dressed... Oh, okay.
For next time, I'd like you to finish reading The Canterbury Tales,
and be prepared to discuss Chaucer's intent, hmm?
Uh, not so fast. I have your midterm papers.
Well, it's our first real big grades.
(CHUCKLING) I'm kinda nervous.
Why, Angela? You're an incredible student and you worked really hard.
You've nothing to be worried about.
Remember, boys, this is only one grade.
And there you are.
Okay, Cor, you ready? Yeah. This is it.
BOTH: One, two, three...
(LAUGHS) I got a "B!" Me, too!
Good, Cory. Your parents will be very proud... What is this?
It's a "B." Hey, we got the same grade.
This is a travesty.
I got a "B-plus."
Who cares? How do I get the same grade as these two schlubs?
Feeny, thank you for the "B's."
What did you get?
Don't thank me, boys. You did the work.
(LAUGHS) And believe me,
you are gonna be just as happy with the next one.
Are you aware that the next paper was due yesterday?
(BOTH STAMMERING)
That's what we wanted to talk to you about
because you remember how you said
we could always come to you?
Well. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) We're here.
How about three days?
No days.
Two days. No days.
Shawn, perhaps... (SHUSHING) I'm negotiating.
Let me see if I understand this.
You just decided that I would give you another extension?
Well, because of our long history together.
So you just didn't bother to do the papers at all?
They're killing us.
(LAUGHS) It's like we can't breathe.
I see.
Well, there's no need for you to turn in your papers at all, boys.
Sounds good.
I can give you your grades right now.
Well, even better.
You both get "F's."
Hey. That's not fair.
There's nothing more to discuss.
Feeny!
Uh-oh.
Oh, no. Don't you run away from me, you old goat!
Oh, wow.
I thought he was our friend.
Yeah, I know. He didn't even discuss it, did he?
I mean, he gave us an extension on the midterm.
What's the big deal with this one?
Yeah. It's like he's two different people.
I thought we all had a special relationship with him.
TOPANGA: Feeny, you change this!
Well, Since you're not set on a name for the baby,
I myself have always been partial to George.
George? Hmm.
George Matthews.
Well, we'll throw that into the hat.
George is a fine old name, of Germanic origin.
It means "Watch out, the sheep are coming."
Watch-out-the-sheep- are-coming Matthews.
We'll think on that.
What's he doing here?
Hey, what's the problem?
Well, Why don't you ask him?
Him is Mr. Feeny to you.
That's all right, Amy.
It's just a matter between a teacher and his students.
I don't care what this is about, George.
Don't you ever use that tone of voice with this man.
This man stabbed us in the back.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Amy, this coffee is so good, I'm taking it with me.
This better be real good.
I don't even want to hear about it.
They were incredibly rude, and I'm going to punish them right now.
No, you can't punish us. We're in college.
Oh, yeah? How about I hit you so hard,
you're back in high school?
Dad, it's really hard to be civil to Mr. Feeny
after what he's done to us.
And what did he do to you?
He double-crossed us.
We came to him, as friends,
and told him how swamped we were with our other classes.
And what does he do? He says, "Oh, I understand."
He says, "Oh, you can always come to me."
And he lets us slide a little on our midterm.
Then he kills us on the next paper.
And what was your grade?
We didn't even turn it in! Yeah!
He thinks that's an "F!" Yeah.
(STAMMERS) We were gonna turn it in.
He didn't even let us explain.
Just gave us an "F."
Wait a minute. Let me see if I'm understanding this.
Mr. Feeny was understanding enough
to let you guys slide on a problem you had with your midterms.
BOTH: Right.
So you assumed that was going to be the arrangement
for the rest of your academic life?
Yeah. Where's bad?
You know where's bad?
It's bad to think that Mr. Feeny
couldn't even give you guys a break
without you taking advantage of him.
You may be in college, pal,
but you still have a lot of growing up to do.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Hey, you got a button on that thing that gets her naked?
(ALL CHATTERING)
ERIC: Hey, hey, hey... Hey!
Don't talk about my Rachel that way, all right?
I created her in my own image.
She's like my daughter.
Watch what I do to her now.
(ALL PROTEST)
Hey, hey, hey! Calm down! Calm down!
It's the first time I've ever controlled another human being.
I'll get her back. I'll get her back.
Look. See? See?
ALL: Where is she?
ERIC: I'll get her. Hang on! Hang on!
I got her. I got her. (CLEARS THROAT)
Rachel? Come into the living room, Rachel.
(ALL CHEERING)
ERIC: Come downstairs, Rachel.
Eric, is that you? Where are you?
I'm over here. Where?
In the student union.
RACHEL: What? Nuts! Um...
(STAMMERS) I'm in your mind.
I'm in the student union of your mind.
Oh, Eric, what are you doing?
Eric, why am I still on TV? I thought you said you were gonna stop that.
Jack!
This isn't about me anymore, Rachel. This is about you.
You're what the people want.
ALL: Yeah.
Tell her, Louie.
Rachel, it's me, Louie. I love you.
Louie?
Tell me about yourself.
Is he still doing this? Yes.
(GROANS) Where is he?
He's in the student union. He's controlling everything.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
Oh, no, it's nothing. It's nothing.
(WIND HOWLING) It's a simple sound effect coming out of the stereo.
(EXCLAIMS)
That's impressive.
Where have I seen this before?
Jack, let's get out of here. Come on.
(SHRIEKS)
What? What's the matter?
It's a brick wall!
Boy, he's really thought this one out.
Balcony.
What do you mean, the balcony? It's three stories down.
We can't go out the balcony.
The only way out is through the window over the sink
and down the fire escape.
The only way out is through the window
over the sink, down the fire escape.
Oh, no. We'll lose her before shower time.
She's not going anywhere.
Come on.
Watch this.
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING) (SHRIEKING)
What? What's the matter?
Come on, Rachel. Tell him.
Bunny Baby.
What?
Bunny Baby, wanna play down the bunny hole?
This is where mommy puts all the carrots.
Let me put the light on so you can see.
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING) All right. It's okay. Come here.
(RACHEL SOBBING)
You heartless, unfeeling control freak.
It's no wonder you're not popular.
ALL: Yeah.
(ALL BOOING)
Quiet!
This is great TV.
This is human drama unfolding before you.
Rachel. Come on. It's the only way, okay?
No, I can't. I can't do it, Jack. I can't.
(GASPS)
I will kill him.
Rachel, Rachel, come here.
You have to come through the window. That's the only way.
What do you mean, over the sink? Yes.
What have I done?
Oh, man. (STAMMERS) What's the point of being popular
when I just hurt the only two people who even tolerated me?
I am a monster.
Rachel. Come on, Rachel. You can do it.
(ALL ENCOURAGING) You gotta go over, Rachel.
Confront your past, Rachel.
Conquer your fear!
Do it for Bunny Baby, Rachel.
Bunny Baby.
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have just witnessed a triumph of the human spirit,
and I'd like to take this opportunity
to thank everybody who helped me with this.
First of all, I'd like to thank the boys in the audio-visual department.
I would like to thank the wonderful people at Milt's Masonry
who built that lovely brick wall,
and I would like to thank my roommate Jack,
and, of course, the heroine or our saga...
Well, you got here incredibly fast.
Well, I was incredibly motivated.
Rachel, I am so proud of you.
Jeez, you're a freaking Amazon.
Get out of my way.
Yes, ma'am.
Now, wait a sec, wait a sec. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!
Before you do anything, I just want you to think about this.
I just want you to remember that...
It was I who created you.
It was I who gave you life.
This is really gonna hurt, isn't it?
(EXCLAIMS)
You heard me. Where's the Gouda, pal?
Now, was that so hard? (SIGHS)
Shawn, Shawn! I got Feeny...
A sorry-faced waffle.
Oh, nice touch.
Here you go, Mr. Feeny.
Why is my waffle so sad?
Because we are.
Sad that we ever took advantage of our friendship.
Sad that we let you down.
Sad that the whole thing blew up in our faces.
I'm sad, but I'm honest.
Boys, you've already apologized.
I mean, this isn't necessary.
Mmm! Love that Gouda.
Oh, but it is necessary.
And we have something else for you.
Remember that paper we never turned in? Yes?
Well, we stayed up all night, and we did it anyway.
Just because we thought it was the right thing to do.
And because we want to earn our grades
on the strengths of our efforts
and not on the strengths of our friendship.
Well, I am
deeply,
deeply
touched.
"F."
What would a "D-minus" get me?
You know, I gotta tell you, that little stunt you pulled,
really backfired.
What are you talking about?
I'm the most popular dude on campus.
Not with Rachel. While you were busy terrorizing her,
Rachel and I got much closer,
if you catch my drift.
You ingrate.
I put you on TV, and that's how you repay me?
Huh? By stealing my girl?
How do you live with yourself?
I don't. I live with you.
Yeah, I'm thinking Rachel and I might take
our relationship to that next level.
Thank you, Eric.
Oh, could you guys disappear?
I'd like to be left alone with my date.
Date?
Yeah. I found a guy who's absolutely crazy about me.
Hey, losers.